DATE: Nov. 6, 2010
TIME of INCIDENT: 13:30 approx.
LOCATION of INCIDENT: Living room couch
After successfully thwarting three major spit-up attacks earlier this morning, things were looking good for America’s Top Dad.
His wife had left him at home with his boys so she could enjoy some much deserved time watching her nephew play football.
America’s Top Dad (ATD) was excited to have some more time with just him and his boys and mixed up the formula for their noon-time feedings.
Hayden took his bottle with very little trouble, while his brother Ian waited anxiously nearby.
Knowing full well that his boys have a tendency to launch a spit-up attack at moment’s notice, ATD took care not to jostle Hayden after feeding him and keep him as upright as possible. After his feeding and a good 10-15 minutes of holding, ATD felt confident that he had avoided any spit-up attack from Hayden.
He placed Hayden in his bassinet and proceeded to feed Hayden’s brother, Ian.
As Ian neared the end of his feeding, ATD noticed that Hayden was plotting a dirty attack from down below.
Several rumbling noises were heard while smirks and grins were seen on Hayden’s face.
And then, without notice, while Ian was still working on his bottle, Hayden let out a slight cough.
ATD glanced over to check on Hayden and then without warning a massive spit-up attack ensued! Milk was pouring out of Hayden’s mouth with no end in sight!
With one boy in his arms taking a bottle and another boy under attack — ATD was without a plan. He quickly shifted Ian to one arm and used his “Go-Go Daddy Arms” to reach over to lift Hayden’s head up, which brought on an additional flow of spit-up.
He somehow majestically and gracefully managed to pull the bottle away from Ian, lay him down on the couch and grab Hayden from his bassinet in a matter of mere seconds.
With Hayden covered in milk and his brother completely unaware of what was going on, ATD was left with a decision — what should he do now?!
He knew he needed to get Hayden out of the immediate area and clean him off — and avoid getting any milk on the couch. He also knew he couldn’t let Ian simply lay on the couch unattended and had to get him upright as soon as possible or he might end up with another spit-up attack on his hands. And he also knew the rumblings he heard coming from Hayden earlier had manifested into one stinky messy diaper.
He paused for a moment and wiped as much milk from Hayden’s face, neck and clothes as he could with a burp cloth and then grabbed his two boys into his arms (one in each) and carried them to their nursery. He laid the boys down in their crib and immediately went to work gathering supplies.
- 1 bassinet for Ian
- 1 warm wash cloth for Hayden’s face, neck, etc
- 1 warm wash cloth for Hayden’s rear end
- 1 bowl of warm water for said wash cloths
Once he gathered his supplies, he moved Ian from the crib to the bassinet, removed Hayden’s clothes and placed him on the changing table.
With a warm wash cloth in hand he went to work cleaning Hayden. Once he was satisfied that he had cleaned off all the milk, he switched wash clothes and prepared to clean Hayden’s other end.
Removing the diaper he immediately spotted what is now commonly described as — A Green Monster.
The Green Monster has baffled America’s Top Dad and America’s Top Mom.
There’s no real certainty as to how these green monsters come about. While white milk goes into these boys — A Green Monster is a thick green substance that flows out the other end — often filling diapers and any wrinkles or crevices along the way.
ATD went to work and cleaned Hayden off with the wash cloth. But just as he put the wash cloth back in the bowl of warm water, he noticed a stream of warm water falling from above.
He looked up and realized Hayden had launched stage three of his three prong attacked!
ATD jumped up and covered the spraying cannon with a cloth before any other damage could be done. There’s very little that can be done to stop a spraying cannon once it starts — but you can always minimize the damage with a solid cloth or diaper covering.
After the spray stopped, ATD knew that his boy Hayden had successfully cleaned out every major orifice in a matter of minutes.
ATD started laughing and congratulated his boy for a job well done.
He then finished cleaning up his boy, dressed him and then put both boys in the single bassinet and carried them back to the living room.
Moments later they were resting peacefully in their own bassinets and within 20 minutes they were fast asleep.
“All in a day’s work,” said ATD as he started washing the bottles that had collected in the sink from the last few feedings.
(The name of one of the participants in this story has been changed to over emphasize his greatness. This story has also been over dramatized for the sake of a better blog entry.)
love it!