Life’s roller coasters

Laurie’s shared a very open, honest post over on her blog – that I’d say is probably one of the most open an honest things I’ve seen her write. I’m so proud of her for writing it and sharing it.

As she hinted in her blog post, Laurie and I have discussed for several months now on whether or not we should be more open and share our personal struggles with infertility. (We’ve totally appreciated Sarah’s candor in this area but I’m not sure we’ve reached that point on our own as of yet.)

It was just a couple weeks ago when we finally told our community group that we were “trying” to “add to our family.”

Of course, as Sara has so graciously pointed out, that’s nothing more than code for “a lot of premeditated, unprotected sex.”

Yet even though I think everyone knows that, I still believe my words were, “Pray for us because we’re trying to extend our family” as if it was a big secret as to what we were doing.

And it felt good to get it out in the open. It felt good to tell our friends and our close community, especially the Kiefers, who have had their own struggles in the past and have now adopted a wonderful boy and girl after having their first son.

So now, with us starting a new tactic (aka drug), we decided it was as good a time as ever to be a bit more “public” with our struggle.

We’ve been attempting to “extend our family by two feet” ever since our first anniversary – April 2008. And we’ve had a few setbacks along the way, including Laurie’s broken back after her fall last July and the medical issues she writes about in her blog post. And yet even knowing this and knowing full well that everything works in God’s timing I can’t help but feel guilt and blame myself as if there was something more I could do.

I’m not going to lie, the whole baby making process hasn’t come easy for us — especially for me. I think as a guy you have dreams that you’re going to be a stud and your wife will want to have wild, premeditated, unprotected sex every night of the week — but that just doesn’t happen.

Life happens.

And for whatever reason, while Laurie may have her own share of medical issues, I feel like many times my own issues have been just as much to blame. And so from day one, I’ve put blame on myself (justified or not) that things weren’t going like they should.

The whole process is a continual roller coaster ride. Each month things seem to start out slow and then as soon as things start clicking well, things are firing on all cylinders and we feel like it just might be our time — and then we find out a week or so later, its not. Up and down, up and down, highs and lows. As Laurie said, it’s frustrating.

I’m always super excited to hear of our friends getting pregnant and having kids. I love hearing and witnessing great stories like the Kiefers adopting their daughter last year and the Hendricks adopting their son from Ethiopia. And even my cousin and his wife who struggled on their own in getting pregnant and have now found out that the baby girl they’re expecting has downs syndrome — I’m super excited for them as well.

I even have fun teasing my sister and friends who claim they’re not ready to have kids by saying, “You’re next! When’s the big announcement?”

I make these statements and tease Kara (and even Bryan and Amanda before their big announcement), when the whole time in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “When will it be our time? Why can’t we be next?”

As we’ve talked with B and Sara, it seems so unfair that pregnancy comes so easy for some — especially those who don’t want it — and yet there are others who struggle each and every month to conceive.

I can’t wait for Mini-Jonathan to run through the house following my every step, or Mini-Laurie running in and giving me huge hugs in between following her mother’s every footstep. And yet I know that my desire to have children pails in comparison to Laurie’s greatest longings to be a mom… perhaps that’s why I worry so that somehow I’ve let her down.

We’re not sure where God is taking us on this journey, but after a year and a half we’re anxiously waiting and looking for prayer partners.

And as we look forward, we’re taking a new step next week as Laurie starts on a new fertility medication. There are a number of possible side effects and we’re praying we can avoid them all. There’s also a chance of multiples (which we’d be OK with — other than have you seen how tiny my wife is?! :-))

Maybe we’ll get lucky and this will be the missing ingredient. Or maybe we’ll work through this option as well and be sitting in the same spot three or four months from now.

And if we are sitting in the same spot three or four months from now, we’ll reevaluate and look at our options then. We have no plans to take this to the extreme or to sign up for some costly procedure that may or may not work. We’re both wanted to adopt, regardless of whether we’re able to get pregnant or not, so we’ll gladly open that door when those cards are dealt.

Either way, we’re trusting God and trusting in each other. We know that life’s not fair. God’s not fair. Grace isn’t fair. Redemption isn’t fair. Liberation isn’t fair. But still we pray for it all — and ask you to join with us in your thoughts and prayers.

Pax Dei