Category: Humor

Whistling in the dark

So a funny thing happened to me at work yesterday.
I work in a middle office, between the main front office and the shop in the back. There are no windows in my office, other than one between me and the commissioner’s office and the blinds usually remain closed, and the windows in the door leading into the shop.
Since I’ve been here, one of the light fixtures has been out. The bulbs have been no good.
Yesterday morning, the other fixture across the room started flickering. Then around 10 a.m. Blink.
Pitch black. No light other than what was flickering off my computer monitor.
Luckily I was about to head out to map more bridges and culverts in the precinct, but it was a bit of a downer for a few minutes there.
And thank goodness Eddie came to save the day. He brought six new six foot bulbs today and so now my office is as bright as daylight. And now that my office is as bright as the sun, its time to head out again.

Tequilla prices on the rise too


As reported yesterday, German beer prices are on the rise as more German farmers are growing biofuel crops rather than barley and hops.
Last night my dad told me that Paul Harvey reported that Mexican farmers are burning their blue agave, which is used for tequila, in order to keep up with US demand for corn/ethanol.
(interesting sidenote on the generation gap – I go to the web and blogs for my news, my dad gets most of his from Paul Harvey)
From Treehugger/Reuters:

The switch to corn will contribute to an expected scarcity of agave in coming years, with officials predicting that farmers will plant between 25 percent and 35 percent less agave this year to turn the land over to corn. “Those growers are going after what pays best now,” said Ismael Vicente Ramirez, head of agriculture at Mexico’s Tequila Regulatory Council….
Many growers have started to abandon the crop in favor of corn, whose price has rocketed in line with massive growth in U.S. demand for ethanol after President Bush outlined targets last year to use the corn-based fuel as a gasoline alternative.

All this talk of ethanol reminds me of a great episode from the West Wing – “King Corn.” Mmm the West Wing. Can television get any better?
With all the rush to make alternative fuels – why don’t we just burn beer and tequila in our cars ;-)?
I had a friend use everclear in his motorcycle once. He was short on gas money. He said it ran amazing for two full days. Even shot fire out the tailpipe when he accelerated fast.
The downside was it ran so clean and hot that it froze his entire engine up by the end of the second day.

Check MSNBC for more coverage

Beware of the Purpose Driven Church!

From the same folks that kicked Chuck Swindoll off the air…
comes a handy brochure you too can print and pass out to your friends, family members and fellow church goers: “Is Your Church Going Purpose Driven? How Can You Tell?”

The Purpose Driven Church books and most of the programs are published by Rupert Murdoch, who owns 175 newspapers worldwide, and a large percentage of the television and communications industry.
He also owns several magazines, some of which have been classified as pornographic.
Billions of dollars pour into the Purpose Driven Church movement. Dr. Warren has stated he intends to send one billion Christians into the world to bring in the “Kingdom of Heaven.” The entire movement appears cultish.

Here are some handy ways to tell if your church is joining the cult…

  1. Change in music to a contemporary rock style.
  2. Removal of hymn books; eliminating the choir.
  3. Replacement of organ and piano with heavy metal instruments.
  4. Repetitive singing of praise lyrics.
  5. Eliminating of business meetings, church committees, council of elders, board of deacons, etc.
  6. The pastor, or a new leader with a few assistants, usually four, takes charge of all church business.
  7. A repetitive 40–day Purpose Driven Church study program stressing psychological relationships with each other, the community, or the world, begins.
  8. Funded budgeted programs are abandoned, or ignored, with ambiguous financial reports made.
  9. Sunday morning, evening, and/or Wednesday prayer meetings are changed to other times; some may even be eliminated.
  10. Sunday School teachers are moved to different classes, or replaced by new teachers more sympathetic with the changes being implemented.
  11. The name “Sunday school” is dropped and classes are given new names.
  12. Crosses and other traditional Christian symbols may be moved from both the inside and outside of the church building. The pulpit may also be removed.
  13. In accordance with Dr. Warren’s instructions, new version Bibles are used; or only verses flashed on a screen are referenced during regular services.
  14. Purpose Driven Church films, purchased from Saddleback, precede or are used during regular services.
  15. The décor, including the carpets, may be changed to eliminate any resemblance to the former church.
  16. The word “church” is often taken from the name of the church, and the church may be called a “campus.” Denominational
    names may also be removed.

  17. An emphasis on more fun and party sessions for the youth.
  18. Elimination of altar calls or salvation invitations at the close of the services.
  19. The elimination of such words as “unsaved,” “lost,” “sin,” “Hell,” “Heaven,” and other gospel verities from the pastor’s
    messages.

  20. The reclassification of the saved and lost to the “churched” and “unchurched.”
  21. The marginalizing, or ostracizing, of all who are not avid promoters of the new Purpose Driven program.
  22. Closed meetings between the pastor or chosen staff members without any reports made to the general membership.
  23. Open hostility to members who do not openly embrace the new program, or who may have left for another church.

Geeze! I think encounter is 98% there!
But don’t worry. The brochure also has pointers on what to do if you’re church is becoming Purpose Driven.

If your church is in the initial stages of change (music or the first 40–day program), your church could be saved by
talking other church members, and with activist intervention by 10–20 percent of the membership. If nothing is done at this early stage, then by the time the program advances to step four, there is little that can be done except look for another church. Your church has been stolen and become a Purpose Driven entity in association with Saddleback Church of Orange County or Willow Creek of Chicago.
You must educate yourself, and others, so that you can mobilize the membership to effectively resist. “For God hath
not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7).

I tell you what, if King James is good enough for Jesus and the disciples – it’s good enough for me.

Chuck Swindoll dropped from Radio Network


Pastor Chuck Swindoll and his radio program, Insight for Living has been dropped from the VCY Radio Network (never heard of them) for crude language.

According to the press release from VCY Radio Network, Swindoll has used a number of bad words since 2000 (yes, apparently they’ve been keeping a tally for 7 years now): buns, heck, crap and balls. They also said he mentioned and encouraged the viewing of — get ready for it….. “The Lion King.” (gasps, screams, a woman just passed out in the back!)

From the VCY press release:

The decision to bring termination to the IFL program arrived on March 5, 2007. VCY and listeners were highly offended by Chuck Swindoll’s use of crude and uncalled for language. His message was entitled, “Male Leadership 101″ which was a presentation given to men at his church. Although a disclaimer was given at the beginning of the program, Swindoll had a sustained laugh as he stated had he known this would be on radio at the time of speaking he probably would have changed things around because he tends to be “a little loose and a little free.” But he says he found “people appreciate that”. The specific area of offense came when Chuck stated:

“The sons of Issachar understood their times, they were men who had discernment and the sons of Issachar were men who had direction. They could make decisions. They saw through all the fluff of that culture. They stood strong when others were fading in the shadows. Patton would say they had guts. You’d say at work, they had balls. Or maybe that’s a Greek rendering of another verse.” (Laughter)…

Knowing this was Part 1 of a message, VCY pre-listened to the March 6, 2007 broadcast. In this message Chuck Swindoll addressed accountability, sensitivity, purity and integrity. These virtues were compromised when he spoke the following:

“The battle still goes on. It will never end. In fact I had my physical the other day and Cooper who has a finger that long (pause and lots of laughter), that long (continued laughter). And while he was up in there said, ‘Now that’s your prostate.’ I said (Swindoll yells) — ‘I know that’. Was this anatomy class? (Laughter). He’s a very sick man. (Laughter). Got through prostate, checked out great. I bragged about that to Cynthia about three hours. ‘I’ve got a great prostate.’ She said, ‘get a life, honey.'” (Laughter)

VCY finds it unacceptable to broadcast Chuck Swindoll’s re-counting of the length of the finger of his doctor and describing it in his body while checking his prostate. This is both crude and offensive.

It is VCY’s position that this language is gutter talk, is crude, and vulgar. VCY stated to IFL that such language is uncalled for, is unbecoming a pastor, and is inappropriate for our listeners.

Read the full press release.

And of course you know out in the blogosphere there are great responses to the announcement from VCY. From Verum Serum:

It is such a relief to know that Ingrid and the rest of the gang over at Slice (along with the others in the watchdoggie litter) are there defending the faith from the dark machinations of the Evil One who has perverted one of the longest running Christian teaching programs in America. To be sure that we get the salient points and to be sure that we are all on the right judgmental spiritual page, here’s what we have learned:

1) Commonly used social colloquialisms and slang are to be avoided at all costs, and to fail to do so draws into question the amount of Godliness within one’s soul.
2) Discussing the physical realities of life (such as medical examinations) is off limits, especially if it is done in a light and humorous manner.
3) Never, never, EVER expose yourself or your children to any sort of stories or fairytale involving magic, magical lands, magical/talking animals, etc. Magic is always evil, no matter what, so anything that tries to portray it in any other light is anathema and must be shunned and/or stoned and/or burned at the stake of heresy.
4) Words like “heck,” “darn,” “shoot,” “crap,” “dang it,” “darn it,” “dang nabbit,” and the like are all suger-coated cuss words to be avoided at all costs.
5) A literal belief in six 24 hour days of creation is ESSENTIAL for a proper understanding of the Christian faith and thus for salvation. Any other belief/interpretation is heresy and should be treated as such.
6) The consumption of any food or drink that the world seems to approve of is to be avoided. In the case of alcohol, anyone who drinks it has allied themselves with the world and the prince of this world (the Devil). The consumption of alcohol is grounds for immediate condemnation to the bowels of hell. In fact, doing anything for fun and/or pleasure that is also done by the world must be avoided. Besides drinking alcohol, the list would include: eating chocolate (or any sort of food with a pleasant flavor), listening to music (even hymns), dressing in anything but sack cloth (longs skirts for women and suites and ties for men stimulate feelings of pleasure at one’s appearance, which is sinful, besides the fact that such articles of clothing have been conceived by and created by nonbelievers in the world), reading (even the Bible, since reading anything but Leviticus can lend itself to an enjoyable passing of time while one reads about the movement of God in the history of the world), watching movies (even G rated movies, since again they have been developed by nonbelievers and are thus tainted by the impurity of their thoughts and actions), etc.
7) Any reference to any male or female anatomy located below the shoulders and above the knees is to be avoided, lest it stimulate carnal and/or otherwise inappropriate thoughts. Besides the obvious ones, the following words should also be avoided: chest, bosom, breast, crotch, groin, thigh, derriere, bottom, rump, butt, buns, bum, and arse.

Be sure and read the full version.

About VCY Network:

The VCY America radio network is a satellite distributed full-service program schedule consisting of Bible teaching programs, live call-in programs on issues of concern to the Christian community, news and commentary, programs reaching children with the Gospel, and conservative, uplifting Christian music. Programs are selected for their ministry value and their biblical content, rather than financial considerations. There are currently twelve VCY-owned stations across the midwest on this network, plus others that take our programming for a number of hours each day, some of them full-time.

Living with a girl: The bed’s not big enough

Well, my wonderful life posted a funny entry yesterday about the “fight” over the sheet and blanket on our king size bed.
She assures me that it was more in jest than anything else and she’s not upset about me “stealing her blankets” at night. But I’ve enjoyed giving her a hard time about it either way.

I thought I’d add to the story and point out a couple other things I’ve noticed at night (because I honestly have not noticed this struggle for the sheets and blankets that she refers to ;-)).

We’ve both had our own bed for so long. She’s 5’2″ and had her own full size bed all to herself and I’m 6’5″ and have had my own king size bed to myself. Now, not only do we share a house and bedroom together, we share a bed!

I think because of us not being used to sharing a bed, we’ve gotten into an odd pattern of sleeping.
We both have a tendency to wake up anytime the other person wakes up, the only downside is I roll back over and go right back to sleep. She takes a good while longer to fall back asleep.

I remember several nights with this pattern. Fall asleep. Wake up a couple hours later to a pat on my arm, poke in the ribs, push on my shoulder, “Roll over!”

“What?”

“Roll over your snoring!”

“Sorry.”

I roll over and fall back asleep. Several hours later the event reoccurs.

Unfortunately for her, she doesn’t fall back asleep as quickly and getting up at 4:45 a.m. doesn’t help matters.

I’ve also noticed that when I wake up at other times in the middle of the night I have a tendency to accidentally “kick” her with my foot or hit her with a knee or hand or something when I roll over.

It’s in no way intentional. She may not even notice it. But I do and I feel horrible.

It’s not with great gusto – but for some reason my 6’5″ frame has trouble staying on my side of the bed when I roll over and she’s normally right in the middle of the bed when I do.

So for any added “mystery” bruises you might have Laurie – I think I’ve found the problem and I apologize in advance for anymore.

So the moral of the story is… well I don’t know.

How about this, “Don’t sleep on your back if you tend to snore and keep your hands, feet and legs to yourself once the decision to go to sleep has been made.”