Category Archives: Infertility

My O.B….My Hero

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Dr. Monti, Me, Hayden & Ian

Ok, so hero may be a little strong, but to me she is one. I honestly cannot find enough words to express my gratitude to Dr. Monti and all she did to help me and Jonathan get our two precious little boys! Almost 3 years ago we started trying to have a family and about 2 years ago we sought Dr. Monti’s help. She stuck with us for almost 2 years doing test after test, infertility treatments and then helped us through a not so perfect pregnancy. I saw her at least once, sometimes 2 or 3 times a month for almost 2 years straight…she even met us in her office on a Saturday afternoon to do an IUI treatment. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is! Every time I look at my babies I get a reminder of what she did to help us and I will forever be thankful.

From infertility to pregnancy

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Now that I’m pregnant, I am experiencing a wide range of emotions, from joy to apprehension. It can be difficult to relax and enjoy a pregnancy after dealing with infertility for so long. Going from infertility to finding out your pregnant will leave you, not only feeling like you are back on the rollercoaster, but almost like you are in denial of the pregnancy. It’s just hard to imagine that it finally happened and I guess in a way you can’t believe it. It is hard to keep from thinking that something will happen between the time you find out your pregnant to the time you go to your first doctors appointment. While the whole time you are extremely excited, you don’t want to get your hopes up. My biggest fear was that we would get to the doctor and there wouldn’t be a heartbeat. But, to my surprise, there were TWO…and both had excellent heartbeats! They both had a heartrate of 171 and it was so cool to see that little flickering heart beating.

The goal of every couple dealing with infertility is to have a positive pregnancy test. When that finally happens, most couples feel both elation and fear. For many couples who have experienced the hope and disappointment of infertility, it may be hard to believe something is really “going right.” The only way I can even comprehend how this happened to us, is that it is a complete gift from God and for that I will be eternally grateful for my two little miracles.

Infertility is about so much more than the inability to conceive. It can rock a woman’s very foundations — her sense of control over her own future, her faith in her own body, and her feelings about herself as a woman. It can result in a loss of innocence, as a woman finds herself on the wrong side of the statistics. Suddenly, bad things don’t just happen to other people. Despite all her efforts, she is unable to achieve the experience that many women see as a birthright. Pregnancy likely cannot be achieved except with substantial medical help, and may very well never be achieved at all.

When a pregnancy finally does occur, it can be difficult for a woman who has experienced infertility to view herself as just another pregnant woman. This long-desired pregnancy may not be the joyous experience I had always dreamed about. The experience of infertility brings its own baggage to a pregnancy: grief for previous losses or inability to get pregnant; anxiety; and fear that my body, unable to conceive on its own, may not be able to carry a pregnancy.

Going through a pregnancy after infertility has it own unique challenges:

* You may feel like you don’t belong. You feel like the average pregnant woman can’t understand your feelings, yet you may feel uncomfortable talking about your pregnancy with your infertile friends who are still undergoing treatments.

* You distrust your body’s ability to carry a pregnancy since it took so much medical intervention to get pregnant in the first place.

* Fear of preparing for a birth, buying maternity clothes, or purchasing baby items so as not to “jinx” a pregnancy. Although, I’m so excited I can’t help myself so this one is pretty much thrown out the window for me.

* I think the biggest one for me is the fear of complaining about pregnancy symptoms or discomforts because you might seem ungrateful. I feel like if I complain about anything people will just think, “you asked for it, you wanted to get pregnant”. And because I did want it so bad and went through so much to get it, I don’t feel like I have any right to complain. Now I’m not complaining about this, but 24 hour nausea and vomiting is not fun…but I take it as a good sign, that’s why I don’t complain. The truth is, pregnancy can be uncomfortable, but disliking frequent vomiting, 24 hour nausea, or heartburn does not mean I cherish the pregnancy any less. The way I see it, the two little babies I will have in the end will be completely worth all the discomforts in the world.

Baby update

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No, I’m not pregnant! We have been doing infertility treatment for a while now and nothing has really worked. Basically I just don’t respond to the medications. This is our last month of just medications, next month we will probably start IUI treatments. I’m not going to go into what all that entails, but it’s the step in between fertility drugs and IVF. We decided that we are not going to do IVF simply because it’s too expensive. We can’t justify spending $30,000 on a chance that we’ll get pregnant, when we can spend that much and adopt several kids (I’m not saying we’ll adopt several kids, I’m just using it as an example). IUI, which we are going to try isn’t cheap but it doesn’t even come close to the cost of IVF. We are doing treatments for a little while longer, but in the mean time we are getting the foster to adopt process started.

We have decided to do a foster to adoption with CPS. Basically we would get a child that is in CPS custody and foster them for a while and then adopt them. You have to foster a child in your home for 6 months before you can legally adopt them. We started filling out the adoption application this weekend and our orientation is next week. The first week of november we start our foster parent classes and then after that (mid December) we’ll complete a home study (wherever we’re living at the time- hopefully not here) and then we’ll be certified to accept a child. There are a million and 1 papers to fill out, get notarized and send in. Plus inspections by the fire department, health department and all other kinds of stuff we’ll have to do but it will all be worth it in the end.

Now for the most common statement I have heard since telling people we were starting the adoption process…drum roll please……..”Now that you’re doing this, you’ll get pregnant”. To be honest, this statement never really bothered me until now…now everytime I hear it I cringe and take offense. I’m sorry but if it hasn’t happened in almost 2 years, why would it happen now!! Statistics show that a whopping 5% of couples who stop trying to get pregnant and adopt get pregnant after they adopt…the same as people who simply stop treatment for infertility. I’m not saying it won’t happen, I’m just saying there is a very slim chance that it will. And, the next most common statement or question I get since telling people we are adopting is…”what will you do if you get pregnant?” What do you mean, what will I do?? We’ll be thrilled! I for one, am not going to just sit around and wait 5 years for us to get pregnant. If we adopt and then get pregnant–GREAT, we’ll just have 2 babies. On the other hand, if we get pregnant while we are going through the classes and beginning of the process, we may put it off for a while, but we’ll cross that bridge when/if we get to it. We will adopt though, just maybe not in the next 6 months.

As thrilled as I am about the possibility of adoption and bringing a baby into our home – at the same time, I’m also sad, angry, disappointed and a part of me feels like I’d be giving up on the possibility of us having our own biological child. But I can only handle the emotional roller coaster we call our lives right now for so long. The tolls the treatments are taking on me physically are getting a little too much to handle as well.

Stay tuned for updates on the whole adoption process – I promise I’ll keep you updated.

Our Battle

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I say our battle because I’m not the only one going through this, I’m not the only one whose not able to have a baby. Jonathan has to go through the disappointment just as much as I do. I received this email from a friend tonight and feel like it pretty much sums up how I feel and what I’m going through. As I read through this I just sat there thinking, “ya, that’s right, that’s me…”. Here ya go, you can read it for yourself:

“Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice.” We can all list the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant,” or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”

Day 123 ~ 365 Days Project

One day God will give us the gift of a child, it may not come all wrapped up with a nice shiny bow on it, but it will be a gift from God. And, I for one will say that there was no way I was not meant to be a mom. We will have a family one day, whether it’s biologically or through adoption.

Each November Brian, our pastor at Encounter, does a series that talks about storms. One year it was titled “storm chasers” and another was called “chase the lion”, it’s where he sits down with couples/individuals and talks to them about a “storm” they have gone through. These “storms” as we call it could be dealing with grief from losing a loved one, or a spouse who had an affair and they worked through it and recommitted their life to one another. Well, this is our storm and how we handle it will be our testimony to others. This topic always reminds me of the Casting Crowns song, “Praise You In The Storm”. As we sang it on Sunday, it has a whole new meaning now! I love this song:

Praise you in this storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Life’s Curveballs

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Every little girl dreams of the day she will become a mother, and every newly married couple dreams of the day they will hold their first child in their arms. For some, those dreams are shattered when they face the challenges of infertility. There is nothing harder then to hear you have infertility and may never get pregnant. What is even harder to hear is that someone else is pregnant; while you are happy for them you can’t help but wonder why it can’t be you. People will try to offer support and words of encouragement, but if they have never experienced infertility they don’t know how it truly feels. It makes it harder to hear someone say “You’ll have a baby when it’s meant to happen,” or “Stop trying so hard and you’ll become pregnant,” as if it’s that easy. Let me tell you, month after month of no positive pregnancy tests really takes a toll on you emotionally.

I’ve struggled for a few months with whether or not I was going to post this, simply because we weren’t ready to tell people and also because in the back of our mind, we just knew that it would happen and there would be no point in telling everyone.

Well it hasn’t happened and it is a very real reality in our life right now.

Jonathan and I have been trying to extend our family for about a year and a half now (surprise!).

And as a small disclaimer, here comes a lot of information that you probably wished you never knew about me. I’m sorry, but it’s a part of the process so get over it. 🙂

Anyway, I have always had sporadic cycles and my doctor said it wouldn’t be a big deal until I was trying to get pregnant, so we never did anything about it. I went in to see my doctor for my annual visit, about 9 months after we had started trying, and she did some blood work to see if anything was abnormal. Voila, there’s my problem! I had increased prolactin levels from a prolactinoma on my pituitary gland (a small benign tumor). The tumor doesn’t really cause a problem until you are trying to get pregnant and then you can’t because you don’t ovulate. Now, here comes the technical part… Prolactin is one of many hormones produced by the pituitary gland. It is primarily responsible for milk production during lactation. With increased prolactin, there is an increase in the hypothalamic hormone dopamine which tells the pituitary to stop releasing prolactin. In some cases the dopamine can’t reach the pituitary gland (like from a tumor). When that happens, there’s no signal to suppress the secretion of prolactin, and the pituitary continues to release it. When prolactin levels rise, the hypothalamus manufactures and releases more dopamine in an effort to stop prolactin production. This increase in dopamine has other effects. In particular, it suppresses the production of the hormones that promote release of FSH and LH. This in turn, leads to a drop in LH and FSH, causing low estrogen levels and therefore no ovulation.

Now that wasn’t too bad was it…still with me?

So we discovered I had a pituitary tumor and my doctor started me on a miracle drug to “shrink” the tumor and bring my prolactin levels back to normal. Well within two months, the tumor had shrunk and my levels were back to normal, YEAH! But we still haven’t been able to get pregnant. My doctor thought that’s all it would take but it didn’t. I have been to many office visits with her, tests, blood work, you name it and she can’t explain why now… it’s basically just unexplained infertility.

Everyday woman get pregnant, it’s what our bodies were designed to do, but for some reason my body is broken in that department. There are many different treatment options available each with their own side effects. I am still on the medication to keep my prolactin levels low but I have now started a fertility drug that will hopefully help as well. There are many undesirable side effects from the medication that I would love to live without but I’m willing to do anything, within reason, to have a baby. So over the next few months I will have many more visits with my doctor and many more blood tests.

Now granted, I said I would do anything within reason to have a baby because Jonathan and I have talked about it and we will only go so far to try to get pregnant. We can’t justify spending thousands of dollars on treatments that still only give us a “maybe” chance of getting pregnant. We would rather spend that money on adopting a child that is in need of a family but we will cross that road if and when we get there. Either way we would like to adopt a child at some point in the future, but that’s another story for another time.

So basically what it boils down to is this, after months and months of disappointment and heart ache we need some prayers… prayer for strength, patience and understanding. Personally speaking, it’s taking a toll on me emotionally and physically, because of side effects of the drugs.

As a final thought, I know everyone will want to call, e-mail and ask us if we’re pregnant yet or how things are going (we get that enough of that as it is – without anyone knowing all this background 🙂 ). We appreciate all the thoughts and prayers and know you mean the best when you ask, but if you’ll promise not to bombard us with questions, we’ll do our best to keep you posted and let you know if anything changes.

I will never give up the hope of becoming a parent, whether it’s our own or through adoption, one day it will happen!