I got this in an email a while back and I have to say, it’s pretty true. A couple of months ago I probably would have said “none of that is true, that’s not how women act or what they mean when they say that.” Well, it’s true, some of it anyway, not all of it. I mean, sometimes a loud sigh is just that, a sigh, no meaning behind it.

9 phrases women use:

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying *&@# YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s
wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

I got this from a friend today and thought it was pretty funny.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

I got this from my brother today and this is Hilarious:

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.” “Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating That she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said the man. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands Have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.” “Where’s Hillary Clinton’s clock?” asked the man. “Hillary’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

Okay I’m not normally the one to like put downs or anything like that
but when you’re watching American Idol you can’t help but laugh at some
of the things Simon says to the contestants. Here are just a few of the
funnies from this season so far. To make them even funnier you have to
say them with a British accent.

“We could have had breakfast, lunch, dinner, flew back to LA, come back
again and you’d have still been singing that song, it’s like
never-ending.”

“Sandie, I didn’t understand a word of that … literally [it was] like
some language I’ve never heard in my life.”

Simon: “What normally happens when you sing in public, Deborah?”
Deborah: “I’ve had a few people cry.”
Simon: “I can believe that.”

“You sounded like Cher after she’s been to the dentist.”

“You are fabulous but it was the singing that was slightly
off-putting.”

“Unfortunately, not a note is in tune.”

“I have got no idea what this show is any more. I’m serious. I’ve got
you standing in front of me looking like some Easter Bunny nightmare
experiment.”

“You look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with
those massive eyes.”

“What I wanted was apple pie on its own. Instead I’ve got apple pie and
a gallon of cream on top.”

“I’m not sure I would have chosen a song saying ‘I want to go home
tonight,’ Elliott, not the smartest lyric in the world.”

“It’s like you’ve gone to Dolly Parton School the way you look
tonight.”

But he can also dish out compliments:

“You walk in here with no confidence and no attitude and yet you are a
brilliant singer. . . . You are in the top 2% of good singers this
year.”

“Alaina, I thought that was really, really, really great. I like you a
lot.”

“I thought it was very good, excellent choice of song. Reminded me of
early Dionne Warwick, I thought.”

My Wife at Jiffy Lube

I always hate driving into the garages when I get my oil changed because of the big whole in the ground. Now I understand why the employees always offer to drive it in for you. Hopefully this never happens to you!

I have started to get bills from my recent hospital stay and my Dr. has been telling me to avoid stress so I think this cartoon fits very well!!

How To Humiliate Your Dog

These poor animals!! Presley sure is lucky…I would never do that to her.