The girl behind the porn #icsex

This is my submission on the IdeaCamp week 1 topic of pornography.

Yesterday I shared a stat that said the average age a child first sees pornography is 11.

That may seem shocking for sure but I’m pretty sure that was around the time I saw my first helping of porn — if not sooner.

Growing up I remember getting “fixes” from a number of places.

And no matter where I found it, there was always an allure, something appealing about those women staring back at me. There was always an allure in thinking that they wanted me.

Of course when you step back and think about it, it must take some serious practice (or crazy ability to tune things out) for those women to do what they do, where they do it (seriously? sex on a pile of hay?) and still have the cognitive ability to stare right through that camera and into my heart — leading me to believe that they’re really thinking about me.

Perhaps that’s part of the problem — we’re all aching for someone to want us. We’re all dying for someone to want us and only us. We’re all dying for someone to love us just as we are.

Leo Babauta recently compared pornography for guys to romantic comedies for women.

Overgeneralization w/ some truth: women watch romantic coms, men watch porn, expect their partners to really be like that. (via Twitter)

Carole Turner shot down a similar idea Monday on The IdeaCamp blog.

For someone to reduce the effects of porn to “it creates unrealistic expectations” and to compare the effects of the Twilight series to porn is at best naive and at worst, one of the reason the church does such a poor job of addressing the real issue of porn and helping people over come addiction to it.

But I think they’re both right. While romantic comedies and movies like Twilight may not have the profound mental impact that pornography has — both men and women can easily give in to the “picture perfect relationship” built up by unrealistic expectations played out on a movie set.

And in both cases, it’s no longer the individual(s) we’re interested in — it’s what they can give us.

For the guys, it may be wild, hot sex with a Angelina Jolie look-alike in the kitchen.

For women, it may be a man with the looks of Will Smith, who listens intently when they share their deep fears about life — even when his friends are over watching the big game.

The pornography and the romantic comedy both move us from a place of caring about the other and into a place of selfish personal satisfaction.

And very quickly we objectify the source of our satisfaction.

And the moment we objectify the source, we can also dismiss the girl behind the porn because “that’s just fantasy.”

It reminds me of the masked ball in Stanley Kubrick’s movie, “Eyes Wide Shut.” It’s so much easier to lose reality and get caught up in the fantasy when we don’t see the person behind the mask — or behind the porn.

“I’m not really taking advantage of her.”

“It doesn’t really affect me.”

“She’s just some girl on the other side of the screen.”

But sadly, that’s not the case.

That girl on the other side of the screen — the girl behind the porn…

She’s somebody’s daughter.

She’s somebody’s sister.

Perhaps, she’s somebody’s mother.

Sex God

Perhaps one of the strongest arguments against pornography I’ve heard is from Rob Bell’s book Sex God.

In the book Bell lays out the scenario of a group of guys standing in a hallway rating girls on their physical attributes. And just like these guys, we continue to debate and discuss what’s hot and what’s not in our society.

Bell writes…

The problem is that “that” is actually a “she.” A person. A woman. With a name, a history, with feelings. It seems harmless until you’re that girl — and then it hurts. It’s degrading. It’s violating. It does something to a person’s soul.

Bell then goes on and lays out a Jewish understanding of heaven and hell.

Not fixed localities in the sky and under the earth, but heaven being where things are as God want them, under the rule and reign of God.

And hell being a place where things aren’t according to God’s will. Where people, created in the image of God, don’t treat others as fully human.

When we say something was a “living hell” we mean it was void of any love or peace or beauty or meaning. It was absent of the will and desire of God…

Concentration camps are hell on earth.

And when we objectify others, when we treat them as less than human, when we see them only as objects for our own personal satisfaction and desire — we’re void of any love, peace or beauty and we’re inviting hell on earth.

And perhaps the most gripping piece of Bell’s book for me…

When Jesus speaks of loving our neighbor, it isn’t just for our neighbor’s sake. If we don’t love our neighbor, something happens to us.

…Because with every decision, conversation, gesture, comment, action and attitude we’re inviting heaven or hell to earth.

I want to be known as someone who helps bring heaven to earth — not hell to earth.

I want to see the true beauty in people — not the cheap satisfaction they can give me.

I want to live love — not some cheap lust of others.

And I want my wife to know I love her madly — not because of anything she can give me or do for me, but because of who she is.

I don’t ever want her to feel second-rate or as if she’s not meeting my expectations.

I don’t ever want her to question my commitment to her.

She means more to me than anything else anyone else could ever offer me — and nothing will change that.