A letter to my sons

Dear HDiddy and IDiddy,

Happy 1st birthday!

It’s so hard to believe that just a year ago we were anxiously waiting on a doctor’s appointment to determine if we would actually get to see you on Oct 21, 2010 or if we’d be forced to wait till a later date.

I’m so thankful the doctor said, “let’s deliver!” because I’m not sure I could have waited much longer — and yet I was still a nervous wreck. I remember pacing the pre-op room we were in, almost certain I would pass out during your delivery. Not only was I worried for both of you and your mother but I was also scared that I wouldnt have what it takes to be the best dad for both of you — I still have those fears (I hear they never go away).

But as the delivery began, all my fears were put on hold as you both made your appearance at 2:36 in the afternoon. Your mother and I were ecstatic! After several years of waiting and hoping and praying you had both arrived!

While some of those fears returned as you were both taken to the special care nursery for observation, nothing could quelch the joy we both had knowing you had arrived.

While the delivery went great, things after that didn’t go as smoothly as we might have hoped. You both had difficulty making the transition from the womb to the outside world, but Ian you recovered quickly and were released from special observation later that evening.

HDiddy, you on the other hand took a slightly longer route and were taken to the NICU for seven days and were put under an Oxy-hood to help your lungs fully develop.

Those days with you in the NICU were some of the hardest days of my life — especially coming home with your mom and IDiddy and knowing you were left “alone” in the NICU.

Luckily, I found comfort in knowing you were getting better care than I could ever give you at home and that a team of doctors and nurses were doing all they could for you around the clock.

And despite the setbacks, you did great! You started taking your bottle like a champ, you kept your respiratory rate down, aced your car seat test and a week after you were born we were able to bring you home.

And it’s been a whirl wind ever since!

The first few months still feel like a blur. Working to get you both on a schedule, several middle of the night feedings, one crazy night when I decided I’d let your mom sleep and somehow take care of you both throughout the night, dealing with your reflux and not knowing how to help you, numerous doctor visits and checkups… I’m quite certain I would have been useless without a steady intake of Lo-carb Monsters and coffee.

But as the new year began and you both turned three months old, we started to see rapid improvements in both of you.

As you grew stronger, your reflux began to affect you less. Feeding you was less of a struggle and more of a joy as you both anxiously awaited and enjoyed your bottles for a change.

And HDiddy… did you ever enjoy eating! It wasn’t long before we had to increase your bottle size as you were drinking eight to nine ounces at a time. Quite a change from the 30cc’s you started out with.

IDiddy, your weren’t (and still aren’t) as anxious for your bottle, but you’ve since taken after your dad when it comes to solid foods.

By March you were both starting to roll-over and then you learned to sit up on your own. Not long after that, you were both doing your darnedest to crawl.

We found quickly that the easiest way to encourage both of you was to hold out our iPhones for you to crawl after. You’ve both been enamored by electrics from day one (something I like to blame on your mom.)

HDiddy you did all you could to crawl but IDiddy, we were almost certain you would skip crawling and go straight to walking if you could. You showed very little interest in crawling but would beam with pride anytime we helped you walk down the hall or you took steps holding onto the side of your crib.

By nine months you were both ago. Nothing could hold you back — not even the concrete on the back porch. You were both crawling everywhere (even learning to bear-crawl if the terrain was tough on your knees — i.e. the back porch or the grass in the back yard).

And just as you learned to crawl, we pulled out our iPhones again and by 11 months you were both chasing after them and up on your feet and walking. IDiddy, you took to walking like a fish in the sea (after all you had been trying to walk since you were two days old). We’re just waiting for the day when you all out sprint across the room.

HDiddy, you’ve been much more cautious in your approach. Just like your bear-crawl across the grass, you’re not quite as adventurous as your brother. Your grandma says you take after me (in more ways than one)… but you still manage to find your way just fine.

And no matter what happens after my morning alarm decides to wake me, it’s all awash when I come home and the two of you walk across the kitchen, faces beaming, with arms stretched out towards me. It’s always the highlight of my day.

A year ago I could have never imagined how wonderful and special being your dad could be. I’m so proud of each of you.

HDiddy, I’ve known for years that I wanted my first son to be named HDiddy (and on our first date, I found out that your mother always wanted to name her son HDiddy as well!). It came about after a met a young boy playing at a park in Belton, Texas, who was also named HDiddy. He had the sweetest smile and was so gentle and so kind-hearted.

Since then, I’ve come to learn that HDiddy actually means a hedged-valley and also “leader of the Elves.” We laugh at those definitions, but I think in many ways they ring true.

HDiddy you are a thinker. You analyze things and people before letting them get close. You’ll sit and analyze your food for five minutes before you decide to take a bite. You’re also very cautious with who you let in to see the real you. Just yesterday while your brother was smiling away at the store clerk, you eyed her suspiciously, not ready to give just anyone insight into who you really are.

You can be stubborn — just like a thick hedge — but once we get beyond that hedge it’s a beautiful valley. Once someone gets beyond your hedge, your true side comes through, you cuddle, you love, you play and your laugh is so contagious. You literally laugh with your whole body.

Don’t ever lose sight of that! Learn what’s right and be stubborn when others try to sway you. Don’t simply accept the status quo. Be a leader rather than simply just a follower and it will take you far. And stay true and real to yourself. Your Aunt Amy was like that. She didn’t let just anyone see her true self — but all those who did knew they found someone amazing and special.

IDiddy, my Scottish namesake.

Your name is a variant of Jon (or John), which is a family name. It means gift of God or God is gracious.

Like your brother, you are such a gift from God and a constant reminder of how gracious he is. We weren’t certain we’d have one child — let alone twins (although I think your granddad may have had a lot to do with that – ask him about it later) and so the name seems extra fitting for you.

You are such a bundle of energy and joy. From the moment you wake up till the moment you lay your head down, you are always in the go, always exploring, always finding new adventures, always looking for the next “Squirrel!” And yet you can also be so gracious and sensitive in times of need. I’ve been so impressed with your looks of concern and worry when your brother is hurting or upset. Several times my heart has melted and been filled with joy as you’ve reached out to him in his time of need.

Never lose sight of your explorer’s heart. Always be on the lookout for fun and adventure but also never lose sight of others along the way. Never leave a man behind. Always stop and lend a hand when you see someone else hurting. Put others first and your life will be filled with so much more joy and contentment.

Finally boys, I encourage both of you to remember two things.

Love. Love God, love your family, love your friends and love even those who hurt you.

And build spaces of grace. Yeah… You’ll probably hear that a lot from me in the next 50 years or so… But remember it.

HDiddy, build hedges of protection around others just like you build them around yourself. Let them know they’re safe with you. Let them know they can trust you with anything.

IDiddy spread grace everywhere you go. Shower people with it and help pick them up when the world wants to kick them down.

Finally, boys I’m so, so proud of each of you. I’m so excited to see each of you already growing into the men you’ll one day be.

I love you both. Always. And NOTHING will ever change that.

Happy birthday! Here’s to countless more!

-dad