selfish??

I’ve never considered myself a needy person…in fact, I’m the opposite of that – too independent at times. But for the first time in my life I felt like a needy person and then felt selfish and told myself to stop. Here’s why. First off, I love our church and the fact that Jonathan is so involved. I love it that it’s a big part of his life and he does so much for Sundays and throughout the week. But, here’s the selfish part–I was sitting there during our worship time Sunday morning –Easter Sunday– and I was by myself…of course I was sitting next to some friends but they were there together as a couple and talking and I was there…by myself. Shari asked where Jonathan was and my typical response was, “I don’t know–he could be anywhere.” I go to church by myself, I sit by myself–usually in the general vicinity of jonathan but he’s usually busy doing other things during the service so it’s by myself (at least that’s how it feels), and I leave by myself. Therefore, I feel like I go to church by myself. He’s always busy doing stuff before church, so why would I go with him, to sit by myself some more? He is busy during church so we don’t really get to share the experience together. I realized that we have never been to church as a couple–EVER. We’ve never come in together and never left together, we are two separate people that happen to be married and sit in the general vicinity of each other on Sunday monrings. I don’t know if we will ever be able to experience church as a normal couple–if that exists. We won’t be able to share in the spiritual part of our relationship –at church). It makes me sad…you grow up thinking, you’ll get up on Sunday mornings get ready and go to church together, sit and enjoy the service together and then go home together…and eventually do that with kids. But that dream won’t happen now– Nope, it will be me getting up, getting kids ready (some day) and us gong to church by ourselves. That’s when I thought to myself..this is selfish and I’m having a pitty party for myself–STOP! So i did and we’ll just go back to the way it was….me going to church and being lonely while I sit and enjoy the service by myself. But I don’t want Jonathan to ever stop doing what he does…because he loves it! I would never want him to stop doing all the things he does, it’s who he is and I married him for who he is. So that’s how it goes–is it selfish of me to think like this, do I have any right to think this? I know he is doing this for God and thats what I keep telling myself…it’s just hard when you see all the other couples around you sitting together and getting that experience together when you’re by your onsie.